We’ll start with the males this week.
Still maybe worse than everyone but World War II Dictators: Josh
I could take a scroll filled with a list of the things I hate about Josh to the top of Mt. Everest. I could roll it up and attach it to the top of my backpack like a sleeping bag. Once I got to the top, I would unfurl it, and the scroll would roll down all 28,000 feet to base camp. But as extensive as the list already is, I learned another thing I hate about Josh tonight. During the deliberation, someone made a valid point, or a smart-ass remark, and Josh established himself as the guy who says “whooooooa” out loud in a situation like that when he is not even participating int he conversation. Doing that automatically brands you as someone who relishes in interpersonal human conflict as theater because you’re incapable of real empathy. Fuck that guy. What a dumb fucking face.
14. Joseph
I have never seen even a single episode of America’s Got Talent. To me, Nick Cannon’s catalogue begins and ends with the hit 2002 film Drumline. So I have no idea what Joseph’s talent was. But I’m sure he didn’t win. If the show was called “America’s Got People Who Do Weird Ab Workouts In The Middle Of The Kitchen To Impress a Bunch Of Women He Has No Shot With”, he would be considered the favorite. But alas, it is not. It’s called “America’s Got Talent” and Joseph has none. When I was a kid, my sister and I would play Monopoly together. Because we were like 5 and 7, we didn’t understand the nuance of how houses and hotels worked, the math was too hard, the instructions were too confusing. So we just played this weird, confusing game that had a lot of Monopoly-like qualities, but wasn’t actually Monopoly. That’s how Joseph played The Challenge this season. Except in his case, it would be like me as a 5-year old walking into the World Monopoly Championships like I owned the place without learning the rules first. What an idiot. I hope I never have to see his face again.
13. Nelson
Has been pretty inactive thus far. But still, every time he speaks I want to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks and squeeze hydrogen peroxide into them.
12. Lio
11. Mechie
10. Jay
9. Cory
8. Darrell
Pretty quiet season from these folks so far.
7. Fessy
Fessy is so incredibly boring. It’s so hard to watch him try to be a person. I’ve seen so many versions of the same frat guy unbuttoning the same J Crew shirt on dance floors in bars because they feel like that’s how to project yourself as a “fun guy.” Fessy should be better than that, but unfortunately he’s not.
However, I was fairly pleased with his understanding that he needed to alter his game plan tonight, but then not walking down those stairs to murder that Joseph kid took all that goodwill away. He kind of looks like Jimmy Neutron.
6. Devin
Pretty quiet start for Devin, but he said “My partner is an incredibly fit infant.” which is pound-for-pound one of the 50 funniest things anyones ever said in 35 seasons.
5. Leroy
Quiet, like Devin, but also used his 30 seconds of spotlight efficiently this week when Wes told Joseph,
“My people will vote for me”
Leroy: “Who are your people”
Wes: “You’re one of them”
Leroy: “I am, I know, I just wanted you to say my name”
It has been a long pandemic, sometimes we just gotta ask our friends to validate our friendship. Good for Leroy.
4. CT
Every night before bed I turn The Office on and listen to it as I fall asleep. I don’t even watch it, I just listen to it. Whenever I go on trips, whenever I’m sleeping in an unfamiliar place, I still put The Office on. It’s comforting, it’s familiar. It’s like a night light. CT is a night light. Even when he’s not the center of attention, it’s comforting to know he’s there, lurking around the corner. I wonder if he’d marry me.
3. Nam
Everyone loves Nam. All 28 people left on this show think Nam is the sexiest thing on two legs. Married women, women who can run super fucking fast, dudes who own 40 companies, guys who have kids back home, people who have threatened to chop people’s heads off and eat them, everyone. He literally has women throwing themselves at him. He has Lolo Jones pointing at her bikini bottoms and being like “Hey man, I hope you dream about this at night.” He’s got Theresa, who is married to a professional athlete, talking about his 97 abs. He’s got a bag for his belts.
No Nam, the honor is truly ours.
2. Wes
I need Wes to be on my TV screen. Tonight, Wes was on my TV screen. There is no one who embodies a lot of the things that are incredible about this show more than Wes. He’s done so many of these that he’s talking to people like he’s a teacher who asked the annoying student to stay and chat after class. I’ve heard that exasperation before, the quiet begging for someone to just listen to reason. These kids don’t make Wes angry anymore, he’s just disappointed in them. While they are doing everything they can to send him home, he’s busy saving Mechie’s life. He’s busy explaining the laws of changing states of water density to Nicole. He’s walking around the weight room giving a “I want a job” speech that rivaled his “Send Zach in and you can be my number one” speech he gave Leroy on Exes 2. But Wes still cares enough to make good television for us. He cares enough to call himself a champ and call himself rich. He cares enough to shit-talk his way through this game, even at his own detriment, because it makes the show better. Shout out to unselfish Wes. Stay here forever.
1. Kyle
In a season void of Johnny Bananas, someone has to be the voice of reason, I’ve been looking for someone to fill that void. Tonight, Kyle threw his hat in the ring.
The first thing he did was acknowledge the absolute absurdity of what was happening in the swimming challenge. What a bunch of schoolchildren. Next, Kyle brought some necessary intrigue to what he understood to be the most boring house experience in the history of this show. “There hasn’t been a lot of interesting things happening here,” Kyle told himself, “why don’t I just lie to people about my vote for absolutely no reason.” Glad he spiced things up for us.
Next, Kyle went into the elimination and got the easiest skull anyone will ever get. Then he made use of the “infiltrate” mechanic just to show the viewer everything this season is capable of. Then he laughs in Josh’s pouty face, something that should earn you a seat in a fairly high political office on its own. Then he calls Fessy out for being really, really bad at this game. A truly incredible performance for Kyle. Long may it continue.
Concepts/Ideas
Just barely better than murder and famine: Shows that end in “-ousness”
Take a rope, tie Rob Dyrdek and all of his friends to a rocketship, and launch them to Jupiter.
6. Gang-Up Challenges
I want to punch every MTV producer in the face every time one of these happens. It ALWAYS makes the Challenge less exciting and 100x more stupid. There should never be a “you have to decide which team to give a kill/X/strike to challenge.” You can’t claim this to be an “Incredible Physical Competition” and then not reward excellent performers. Even in the trivia challenge a couple seasons ago, answering questions right gave you the ability to give someone an X. THAT was bullshit, much less making the best athletes swim through freezing cold water only to have a bunch of fucking amateurs eliminate them because they are scared. What a horrible concept. Fuck you MTV. Never do this shit again. Let the best team win.
5. Camera Angles
Cut this quick cut shit out. In both regular challenges and eliminations. LET ME WATCH THESE PEOPLE COOK. I want to see my favorite people doing shit, I don’t need 40 close ups of facial expressions. Give me some wide shots.
4. Thematic Language
At first I thought it was funny how the producers made everyone buy into the Spy language. But holy shit it’s unbearable. We can’t be calling the house “headquarters.” The house is a place separate from the game, a place where these idiots can feel free to bully their livers and make terrible decisions. Describing it as an important part of the spy game discourages these essential behaviors and makes all this shit incredible.
3. The Bubble
Nothing has ever been funnier than 28 people dressing up real nice to walk 12 yards to an igloo in their backyard.
2. Just letting CT hang out without having to do anything.
They should consider doing that every week.
1. The Double Agents Concept
I was initially excited about the possibilities about a season named “Double Agents” could be. I was hoping for some secret traitors, some devious moles, and a lot of high-level thinking. The premiere left me really sad, thinking that the only Double Agents themed shit was going to be the unbearable words they use to describe things. But the notion that if you aren’t a good enough partner your partner can intentionally send you in to get a new one is really good. I only wish that you could only pick either your partner or the other elimination team’s partner. I think it’s a little unfair that you can pick anyone, but we’ll see how that plays out.
Women
14. Aneesa
You can’t take this shit as seriously as she does while simultaneously not being any good at it.
13. Big T
Big T was so incredibly endearing when she was shy and earnest. But she has clearly fallen into the trap of feeling the need to be outrageously dramatic and self-glorifying in interviews because she thinks that will get her invited back. This week, we learned what Double Agents means, it means that some partners might purposefully get their partner sent home because they want a new partner. But when Big T wanted to do that exact thing, she thought she was a ‘mastermind’. THE SHOW IS LITERALLY CALLED THAT. You’re not special Big T. Welcome to the long and boring list of British Women I Don’t Care About. This is probably a little harsh, she’s probably isn’t 13th, but I’m mad at her this week. So she’ll stay.
12. British Woman I Don’t Care About
11. British Woman I Don’t Care About
10. British Woman I Don’t Care About
9. British Woman I Don’t Care About
These women have been taught that being hot is their only definable quality and that the most profitable way for them to live is to eliminate everything from their life that isn’t centered around the way that they look. This is not to say that they have nothing else to offer, but that they have sanded all their rough and interesting edges so their smoothness can sell detox teas on instagram. Which is fine. But don’t come into The Challenge with that bullshit. Nany is not good at anything. Nany can’t run more than 200 yards, she can’t climb, she can’t lift weights, but she has made a home as an incredible television character for 10 years. Because Nany embraces all of her rough edges and all of her impulses. I think it’s too late for these women. Get them off my TV.
8. Kaycee
7. Tori
6. Nicole
All people I have varying levels of love for who are lost in the “obnoxious new kids chewing up airtime being idiots so they get invited back” shuffle. Can’t wait for them to take their rightful place as main characters.
5. Theresa
Jawline looking incredible. Made fun of Fessy.
4. Kam
If Kam can continue to channel her incredible energy in interviews to doing shit like calling Nam hot and making fun of people instead of gassing herself up for doing nothing, giving herself more nicknames, and talking about the stranglehold she claims to have on the game, then she’ll be just fine.
3. Nany
Nany is the equivalent of the cartoon trope when someone shoves someone else out of their front door, exasperated, and as soon as they take a deep, relieved breath and turn around, the person they have just kicked out is standing in their house behind them again. Nany always finds a way to insert herself into the story of this show and it is usually wonderful. Tonight it was because Nany, a person who has yet to do anything physically impressive in a decade, asserted that she deserves a physically dominant partner. Which led her to doing her signature move, using the guise of strategy to flirt with someone. For some reason, she is the only person who could love Josh without me holding it against her. Because I’ve learned, time and time again, that if Nany and I have the same mental or emotional reaction to something, I need to immediately call my therapist.
2. Lolo Jones
I never thought I’d say this, but mark down “Horny Olympians” next to the Doordash app as things that are really salvaging 2020 for us.
1. Natalie
Just not fucking around in any way shape or form. There’s no way she doesn’t win this.
