I know there is a lot of motherfuckers out here ranking these people. I’m willing to go down into the sand against any one of them. They are all my vendetta. You can quote me on that.
His Family Probably Doesn’t Even Love Him: Josh Martinez
Get Josh Martinez a Netflix special. Maybe even let him reboot The Office and Arrested Development by himself. Give him his own streaming service.
Josh Martinez is the most gifted comedy writer that we have. Who else could write something so perfectly ironic and hilarious? The storyboard was perfect.
Scene #1: CT and Kaycee get in a fairly innocuous argument like any normal people trapped in a house together. CT leaves to go smoke.
Scene #2: Josh, because his “I need to act like the biggest douche in the Western Hemisphere” batteries were running low on juice, goes to confront CT for absolutely no reason. Claiming that his intentions are to “have Kaycee’s back” like she isn’t a grown adult who isn’t capable of taking care of herself.
Scene #3: CT is understandably confused about Josh’s concerns, and treats him like the annoying mosquito that he truly has become.
Scene #4: Josh (incorrectly) informs CT that Kaycee is crying, on camera, because they are on a television show. CT, like any normal person, is concerned that he made another human cry, so he goes to work through the situation like a grown up.
Scene #5: After realizing he had been gaslighted by Josh Martinez, the Challenge’s abusive boyfriend, CT tells Josh that he lied…because of course he did. Instead of saying “yeah i fucked up because I can’t survive unless I’m stirring up interpersonal melodrama like I’m on an episode of The OC”, Josh gaslights CT again, claiming that he said the word “upset.” Josh does his signature move, where he plays the martyr and acts like someone justifiably raising their voice to him is equal to the shit that he did to make them raise their voice in the first place.
Scene #6: Everyone makes fun of Josh because he’s a piece of trash, and Devin says “Big Brother Sucks” The MTV version of “Boys rool girls drool!” Josh proceeds to lose his mind.
Scene #7: Josh runs outside to confront Devin and says these things.
Which is absolutely hilarious for two reasons. Reason #1: Josh literally did what he’s describing to CT 90 seconds prior. Reason #2: Claiming that you have any solid ground to stand on in order to “check” somebody or “put them in their place” (both douchebag frat terms for a clinical inability to handle conflict like an adult) when you literally belong in an institution is the most ironic concept in our solar system.
Dude is the most unhealthy human being I’ve ever seen. MTV has to stop validating his desperate and destructive grabs at attention.
13. Nelson
Nelson owes Josh some money because this season it’s like I’m sitting at a dinner table forced to eat spoonfuls of broken glass mixed with ghost pepper juice (Josh) and then someone hands me a 2-month expired yogurt (Nelson) to wash it down and the yogurt seems significantly more bearable by comparison.
12. Mechie
This guy was flexing in his interview like he was hot shit because he kind of pulled Cory off the truck with him as Cory was already pushing him off. That’s kind of like if I was on my dad’s shoulders at the Zoo as a kid and he said “Hey Kyle, I’m gonna have to set you down, my shoulders are getting sore.” And I was like, “ha, dad, you bitch. you just got beat up by a kid.”
11. Lio
10. Jay
9. Darrell
I hate to lump Lio in with Jay and Darrell, and I hate to lump Darrell in with Jay, but all 3 of these folks have been laying low. Hopefully we’ll get rid of the dead weight soon and Darrell can talk his shit and get his camper money one way or another.
8. Cory
Since basketball began this week, Cory is the equivalent of the NBA’s 8th seed. He’s done this long enough to trick everyone into thinking he’s good. But when he actually has to go up against a legitimate opponent, it’s always going to be an L.
7. Wes
I love Wes. But he’s been kinda aggro all season. Maybe not having Johnny Bananas around to rev his engine made it hard to dig into the season. I feel like he was more concerned about establishing himself as a seasoned, wise presence than playing the game that was laid out in front of him. It seemed like he was trying to add some things to his career highlight reel, which didn’t work out. He’s probably done with these shows. If he’s not, I hope he comes back with some more fight in him. But I guess you don’t find yourself with a monster truck and 40 companies by being overly emotional, do you?
6. Fessy
Good week for Fessy. I feel like this season he’s heading towards, “normal person who seems boring on TV” instead of “boring person who seems boring on TV.”
He should charge Josh for lessons on how to be an adult. Kyle just stood there verbally abusing him and Fessy was just like, “ok, cool, I get it, let me know when you’re done.” It’s an easier world to live in when you subscribe to Rico Richie’s infallible life advice: “If you ain’t got no haters, you ain’t poppin.” Truly a code that Fessy lives by.
He also didn’t lose to CT in a wrestling match. Which is a feat. Even for someone built like an astronaut with a spacesuit but isn’t wearing a spacesuit.
5. Kyle
It seems like a very ‘person named Kyle’ thing to do to win something in a fairly unimpressive manner and then just really talk all sorts of shit afterwards. I can get behind that.
4. Leroy
Kam is somehow managing to make Leroy a less likable TV character, which I previously thought to be impossible. I could walk in on Leroy making out with my wife and I would apologize for interrupting and then go buy his groceries for him.
But when you’re dating someone who’s only desire is to try to establish unearned dominance at any cost, you get what you pay for.
3. Nam
Every time I listen to a John Mayer song, I think about Nam. He is a waterfall, a green pasture, a walk downhill. Spell Nam backwards, what do you get? He is man. He is the standard. Put him in a vacuum sealed jar, store it in a lab. These are the things we need to keep record of. The perfects. The absolutes. Live, Laugh, Nam.
2. CT
When CT is trying to be funny. He is hilarious. When he tries to be scary, he is terrifying. When he tries to be reasonable, he is the most rational person in the world. CT handled that situation with Josh and Kaycee exactly like any normal person would have, and said all the words I was hoping someone who isn’t a state-ordered psychiatrist would say to Josh.
1. Devin
It was Devin at his absolute best. Probably a top-5 single episode performance in Challenge history.
It’s taken Devin a few season’s to find his groove on this show, to figure out what role he plays in the larger ecosystem of this show. But after the initial struggles, he’s wearing this season like an old pair of Levi’s.
It’s rare that someone who acknowledges their innate sense of sarcasm is actually good at being sarcastic. Usually calling yourself sarcastic is just an easy cop-out for being a dick.
Devin knows his ability to make fun of things and people and ideas are as asset to him on this show. This season, he’s finally learned when to wield that power appropriately. Not to stir up unnecessary conflict, but to make fun of people that clearly deserve to be made fun of. Mostly Josh. Sometimes Nicole’s accent. Both completely acceptable things to make fun of.
Devin talks a lot about being the youngest of four brothers, I’m glad he got to “older brother” someone tonight. He clearly knew exactly what was going to set Josh off, and then weaponized that while also being completely emotionally removed from that situation. Classic older brother move. Repeatedly asking Josh to do a simple math problem over and over again is a moment I will remember as long as I live. It’s 72, Josh. You giant, undercooked meatball.
And we got some humanity from Devin after the elimination. It’s nice to see a person be a person for a few seconds. Reflecting on whats happening and what it actually means to play a part in this stupid game always gives me a little pause.
And he got sweet Tori to be his partner. What a choice.
Long live new Devin.
Concepts
4. Unclear ‘First One To Fall Off’ Challenges.
This isn’t as big of a beef as I had with last week. But these weird arbitrary body-positioning challenges are tough because, again, it’s so much about luck and not about ability. It was like the redemption house challenge a few seasons ago when they were wrestling above the water. It was essentially a “pull your opponent off and you have a 50–50 chance of hitting the water last.” This one was a bit better, but I would’ve liked for them to think a little bit harder about it.
3. Cold Weather Challenges.
I know they didn’t have a choice, COVID-wise. But when this is all over. Never make me see these people in anything other than a tropical climate ever again.
2. The Candid 5 Seconds after the Challenge
As this show’s production continues to elevate, the manufacturing of personalities, storylines, and characters is inevitable. All of these people are carefully crafting a brand for themselves on this show, which has made it much less fun to watch them just be human beings in the context of being the subject of a reality TV show. But they showed like 5–10 seconds as they were walking away from the daily challenge after it was over and you heard people say things like “I told you” and “Sorry it took me so long.” It was weirdly special. I would like 10x more of those little moments.
1. Letting TJ Cook
TJ isn’t a character actor. It is always a mistake when MTV tries to turn his goofy ass into Joaquin Phoenix for the sake of thematic television. TJ is at his best when he’s wearing a t-shirt with a lot of tribal graphics on it surrounded by a word that sounds like the name of a WNBA team. ‘Courage’, ‘Headstrong’, ‘Decimate’…shit like that.
We didn’t get t-shirt-and-sponsor-hat TJ today, but they did let him take the pea coat off, dial back the spies chat, and talk a little bit like the old TJ. The TJ that would say shit like ‘What’s good motherfuckers, you’re going to be having intercourse with a block of ice today, I hope you don’t get herpes. The person who has the fastest sex with the ice block get’s this rad remote-start lawn mower system.”
I believe it was Patrick Henry who once said, “Give me t-shirt zip-up-etnies-hoodie TJ or give me death.” He also told them they might die and he wouldn’t shed a single tear.
Women
14. Nicole
I hope the second she got home she got to put out 400 fires and save 6,000 people from danger. She’s too good for us.
13. British Woman Who Hurt Her Arm
12. British Woman Who Didn’t Hurt Her Arm and I Think Cried For No Reason In The First Episode
11. American Woman Who I Thought Was British Before, But Now I Know Is Not
10. The One Who Is Stuck With Nelson But I Have No Idea Which Country She Is From
Look! I can distinguish between them! Progress!
9. Kam
Look, I get it, she won some eliminations. Half of which I would put at least some sort of asterisk next-to, but we don’t need to get into that. And I have historically been a fan of watching her be on television.
But I don’t know where this weird sense of entitlement came from. She hasn’t done shit. She’s won a grand total of $400 on this show, and that was on a spin-off. She is so unbearably obnoxious in interviews. She didn’t even win a wrestling match against someone with a dislocated shoulder. Stop walking into conversations and spaces you don’t belong and act like they were begging for you to be in there. This version of her is so annoying. It’s Cara Maria from 3 seasons ago. It’s crashing cymbals 4 inches from my ears every time she speaks.
8. Kaycee
Won the daily challenge today, which was surprising, because I thought the first challenge she would win would be the one from next week called “Remind Everyone You Played Women’s (Full) Tackle Football Every 8 Minutes.”
7. Aneesa
Meh
6. Big T
Back where she belongs. Being the lawful good. Any friend of CT is a friend of mine.
5. Lolo
No matter how many races she wins, how many medals she hangs around her neck, it seems like she won’t be truly satisfied until she wins a gold medal in “Sex with Nam.”
4. Nany
3. Theresa
Get these randoms out of here so we have more time for these two.
2. Tori
Cory far and away the worst of the athletes she has separated with in the past few weeks. Cory has double the hands and half the capability.
1. Natalie
Lost Wes as a partner, which is probably a net negative. But it’s not like she needs a partner. Natalie could be partnered with the old leather boot that’s sitting on my front porch and she would still beat all of these girls.
